Love Lost
by Penguins Stealing My Sanity
Summary: “You can’t be alone forever.” Vanyel is dead, but can Stefen find love again? Is that love what it seems? Slash, nothing graphic. On hiatus until I find the inspiration to continue.
1. Chapter 1: Finding

**Title: **Love-Lost

**Chapter title: **Finding

**Author:** Penguins Stealing My Sanity

**Disclaimer: **I only own Senesen so far. Everything else belongs to Mercedes Lackey. _(damnit)_

**Summary: **_"You can't be alone forever."_ Vanyel is dead, but can Stefen find love again? Is that love what it seems?

**Setting: **Four years after Vanyel's death

**Type/Genre: **Action/Adventure/Romance

**Rating:** somewhere between R and PG-13 so far

**Warnings: **SLASH SLASH SLASH SLASH! Oh, and there may be a little slash. Stefen and ? (it's a guy; don't like homosexual pairings, don't read this.) By the way, this story contains slash. )

This idea just came randomly to me; I've got a general idea of where it's going, but I'm not quite sure…I'm still getting everything fully-formed up in my head. Here's the first chapter anyway. I'm probably going to write more no matter what anyone thinks of it. This first chapter might not be very _juicy_, but it'll get better. I promise. I love exciting slash!

Stefen's POV. Might be rated _little_ high…not sure yet, we'll see how the rest of the chapters go.

K, now enjoy!

**- Love-Lost -**

**Chapter One: ****Finding **

**:> Penguins Stealing My Sanity :> **

I stood gaping like an idiot at the young courtier standing in front of me. The young man's hands rested lightly on my shoulders, though they'd been gripping me tightly a moment before. I could still remember feel of his lips pressed against mine, his tongue exploring my mouth—

_He kissed me! Gods—he _kissed_ me!_

Senesen's bright blue eyes were searching my face, looking for some reaction; I could only stare at him in shock.

_He kissed me—!_

_/Get over it, Bard/_ said the soft voice at the back of my mind. I'd often fancied that it was Vanyel's voice; it certainly sounded enough like the dead Herald, and the voice didn't seem to think in the ways I always did. The words it spoke could easily have come from Vanyel's mouth…

_But…he kissed me!_

_/You act as if you've never been kissed before./_

_Not since Van…_

_/Well, Vanyel's gone. He's been gone for four years. You have to move on./_

_But I love him._ It was a weak argument, and one I'd had often with the voice.

_/Of course you do. But he's not here for you to love./_

_He'll always be in my heart!_

_/How romantic./_ The voice dripped sarcasm. _/You've written too many love songs, Bard. This is the _real_ world, not some sappy ballad./_

_But—_

_/What would Vanyel say if he were here right now/_the voice asked patiently.

I almost smiled thinking of my beloved. _He'd tell me to stop acting like an ass and take this strapping young lad to my bed._

_/Precisely. Now, get moving, before you scare the boy off./_

"Bard Stefen—" Senesen's face and ears had turned a deep shade of red. "I—forgive me. I don't know what I was thinking…"

"I don't know what you were thinking either," I agreed, "but I'm frankly gland you were thinking it. I don't know that the thought would ever have occurred to me." Now Senesen gaped at me. I winked and gave the boy a gentle smile. "Next time, though, I suggest luring your conquest into a more private place. Not everyone's comfortable with shaych you know. You'll notice that everyone is carefully averting their eyes."

Senesen blushed deeper. "I'm…sorry…"

"For what? Didn't I just suggest we continue this somewhere more private?"

His jaw dropped again. "You…did?"

"You have to learn to read between the lines, Senesen," I chided gently, then grinned. "Come on." He followed after me in a sort of dazed stupor.

As far as I could tell, Senesen was the same "type" of young man I had been at his age, sleeping with every willing man, spending night after night frequenting taverns and getting too drunk to stumble back to wherever I really belonged. It was certainly nothing to hold against the boy; actually, the little scene he'd made in the middle of the crowded hallway rather reminded me of my infatuation with Vanyel. Unlike my beloved, I was going to give in immediately to the physical desires that suddenly sprung up within me. The voice whispered halfheartedly that I might be wise to do what Vanyel had done with me before we'd become lovers, get to know this boy before I took him to my bed…but it was all so tedious, and I just wanted a companion, someone to hold me…

I unlocked the door of my room, and motioned Senesen inside with a smile. The courtier's face looked as if all his dreams were coming true.

_:Enjoy yourself, _ashke a very familiar voice whispered in my mind, and I nearly jumped out of my skin in surprise. Vanyel's voice chuckled softly, and then his presence faded from my mind.

**End Chapter One**

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A little short, but I think it's good. But, then again, I'm not the one who gets to review the story… (cought cough hint hint) So, go make friends with the little purple button down there, and make my day! 

:>


	2. Chapter 2: Keeping

**Title: **Love-Lost

**Chapter title: **Keeping

**Author:** Penguins Stealing My Sanity

**Disclaimer: **If you're a disclaimer fanatic, go see the disclaimer in the last chapter. I'm very proud of it. But I own Senesen, Ralisaren, Daven, Tsanil, Korthan, Arandir, Ckanin, and Tien. PLEASE do not use these names for your own use, as they are names I have created, and I would be very sad if someone else used them. I am trusting you all.

**Summary: **_"You can't be alone forever."_ Vanyel is dead, but can Stefen find love again? Is that love what it seems?

**Setting: **Four years after Vanyel's death

**Type/Genre: **Action/Adventure/Romance

**Rating:** R

**Warnings: **Still slash.

I'm posting chapter two in the hopes that people will prefer to read a longer fic rather than one measly chapter. So, Chapter Two. Please read, and **PLEASE** review.

Still Stef's POV.

**- Love-Lost -**

**Chapter Two: Keeping**

**:> Penguins Stealing My Sanity :> **

I woke slowly, and only because of the sunlight streaming through a window directly into my eyes. I turned my head away from the light before I opened my eyes again, and then blinked in surprise at the head nestled next to mine. Senesen was sprawled on his stomach, one arm flung out over my chest, the other arm tucked under his head. Thick black curls that spread beautifully over the pillow and concealed half of the not-exactly-pale face. I smiled as I remembered that face alight with pleasure, blue eyes glittering with passion.

I allowed myself a few lethargic moments' remembrance before I leaned over and blew gently in Senesen's ear. How many times had I woken Van in the same way…?

The young man startled awake, blue eyes flying open to look at me in surprise, before he dropped his head back onto the pillow with a sleepy groan. I laughed softly and reached out to stroke his hair, then ran a single finger down the pronounced line of his spine. He shivered happily at the touch, murmured, "Stefen…"

"We both have to get up," I told him with no small amount of regret. "It's well past dawn, and—"

"It's what?" he interrupted, pushing himself up on his elbows. He leaned around me so that he could see the window. "Shit! I have to get to court—" He sprung lightly out of the bed and began searching for his clothes, and I smiled slightly, watching him through half-lidded eyes. He wasn't Vanyel, but…well, in _some_ ways, Senesen came damn close.

"You should come."

"Huh?" I asked, pulling out of my reverie.

"You should come to court," Senesen repeated, hurriedly tugging his breeches on. "You can't imagine how much trouble I had finding you yesterday, just because you never do anything…social."

I shrugged, pulling a face. "I like my privacy."

"But you're so distant from everyone…from everything… Don't you get lonely?" He'd paused in his rapid dressing to study me carefully, brow furrowed slightly.

I shrugged again. "Sometimes," I admitted.

"You should come to court," he said yet again, then bent down to untangle his shirt from mine.

"Thanks, but no thanks. I've decided I rather like being solitary."

He frowned, as if struggling with a difficult concept. "You can't be alone forever."

_I'll never be alone. Not as long as I have my memories._ "I thought you had to go," I reminded Senesen gently.

He looked from me to the door, obviously wanting to go but just as obviously wanting to stay.

"Go," I told him.

"I'll come back," he told me with feeling, and then his face reddened. "If—if you want me to…"

I smiled gently at the young, uncertain man. "You're welcome any time, Senesen. Now _go_, or you'll miss court entirely."

He flashed a brief grin at me, and then was gone.

:> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :>

_(A/N: This next little bit will be from Senesen's POV.)_

No one seemed to notice that I entered the Throne Room late, and I slipped towards the group of young men huddled secretively in a corner. Herald Korthan saw me first, and quickly motioned me over.

"Why Senesen," Ralisaren drawled as the group shifted to let me into their huddle, "how _good_ of you to join us."

"Shut up, Ralisaren," I growled, feeling my ears turn red.

"Last night went well, then?" he asked, pretending not to hear me.

"We have more important things to talk about—" Korthan began, twisting his hands together nervously.

"Nonsense!" Ralisaren exclaimed, his eyes gleaming cruelly as he smirked at me. "Senesen's particular skills are _vital_ to the success of what we're doing, and I for one am very interested in all the details of what transpired."

My face flamed in embarrassment and in burning anger. "Stuff it, or I'll—"

"Enough, both of you," Arandir, the undisputed leader of our group, said tiredly. "Ralisaren, if you can't keep your tongue in check, I'll take it away from you. I've a very sharp knife in my pocket, and I've been itching to use it. Senesen, learn how to control your anger. I can't have you killing each other, not when we've come so far."

Ralisaren and I grumbled agreement, but I glared at my "foe" when Arandir wasn't looking; Ralisaren sneered back at me.

"Senesen," Arandir continued, "the attempt _was _successful?"

"Yes," I said stiffly, pointedly ignoring Ralisaren's smirk

"Good," Korthan said, almost bouncing with excitement. "Now we can—"

"Not here, you fool!" Tsanil hissed, hitting the Herald none too gently on the side of the head; Korthan cringed. Hulking Tsanil was the unthinking muscles of our group, who would happily bully into submission anyone we told him to. A bodyguard, in a way. 

As Arandir patiently explained to the Herald the idea of secrecy, Daven, who had until now been silent, leaned over and elbowed me in the ribs. "How was he—the Bard, I mean?" he asked with a grin.

I gave the younger man a withering look, but Daven was undeterred.

"Compared to, say…Benek, or Habel, or Traneorsin."

I shrugged. "Better then all of them."

Daven snorted. "Sure."

"I'm serious!" I said defensively, and Daven raised a skeptic eyebrow.

"Really? Truly?"

"Really truly."

Daven whistled appreciatively. "Perhaps…"

"Don't even think it, Daven." I warned. "You know what Arandir said—it's _my_ job."

"Job my arse. You always get to do everything fun."

I sighed and shook my head at him, then turned to listen to the end of Arandir's scolding.

:> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :>

_(A/N: Back to Stef's POV.)_

After I'd finally dragged myself out of my bed, I wandered down to the kitchens and begged a light meal off the stern cook. She allowed me to sit in an out-of-the-way corner to eat, and I did so, watching the organized chaos of the kitchen and humming the tune of a song I'd been meaning to compose for quite some time.

That taken care of, I made my way to Companion's Field. Ever since that day in the mountains when Yfandes had first spoken to me, I had discovered that I could hear all the Companions—or, rather, that they all allowed me to hear them. I enjoyed walking through the Field watching the foals frolic. They were beautiful creatures…

I walked through the Field in the chilly morning, wondering when autumn was going to give up and let winter take over, when I spotted a most unusual sight: a Companion, standing alone, legs spread wide apart, neck bowed so far that the Companion's nose touched the frost-tinged grass. Frowning, I went towards the Companion, clicking my tongue to get his attention; he lifted his head slightly, and the blue eye widened at the sight of me. With a speed I wouldn't have imagined from a creature in such shape, the stallion whirled around and raced off.

"Wait—!" I called, but it was already too late.

_:He does not even talk with us:_ a voice informed me, and I turned to face the Companion Tien.

"Who is he?" I asked, staring after the spot where the Companion had disappeared.

Tien snorted disdainfully, tossing his mane. _:He is called Ckanin. A foolish name…:_

"Why is he…like that?"

_:His Herald is doing something he does not like, and does not approve of, but Ckanin is too weak-minded to stop his Herald. He wants only to please his Herald. He won't even speak out if his Herald is pushing him too hard.:_

"Who's his Herald?" I asked, shocked by such unusual traits in a Companion.

_:A man named Korthan. Foolish names, both of them…:_

"Why haven't you told _your_ Herald that Korthan's doing something he shouldn't be doing?"

The Companion shrugged—I still hadn't gotten used to that—and said, _:It is not my business to interfere. If Ckanin's feebleness gets he and his Herald in trouble, it is his own fault. He needs to learn to assert himself, and none of us can teach him that. Experience is a hard but good mistress.:_

"We're in a philosophical mood today, aren't we?" I teased.

_:I was watching the stars last night: _the Companion admitted. _:I was inspired.:_

I laughed and patted Tien's neck; when he turned to leave, I wished the Companion good grazing before continuing my way across the field. I kept my eye out for Ckanin, but saw no more of the dispirited Companion. I gave up the search, and turned back towards the palace complex.

**End Chapter Two**

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A bit unexciting, I know (but the information given in this chapter IS vital), but it WILL get better! I promise. The penguins have given me loads of ideas about where this fic should go and—miraculously—their ideas were GOOD! So, I know what's going to happen here, and so will you—if you REVIEW! (heh, that last bit rhymed…)

:>


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